December IWSG

Insecurity.  Every person must face their own private fears and doubts; for creative people this seems to be with every stroke of the brush, line of text or ringing note.  My own private hell is full of insecurity and every project I’ve undertaken has been, to one extent or another, an exercise in fighting past it.

As someone who grew up hearing more “You can do better” more often than, “Good job” I’ve often wondered where I might be now instead of where I am, a pointless exercise in what-if.  I understand, now, my father’s intent… to make me constantly strive to do better, but that doesn’t mean that the way he went about it didn’t leave lasting scars on my psyche.

Take for example when he heard about my writing ambitions, something I’d carefully kept from him for the better part of ten years.  I’ve been writing off an on since before college, though it was because of the encouragement of a particular instructor that I began to write more regularly.  I finished my first novel (all 120,000 terribly unedited pages of it) in something like a year, no mean feat for someone carrying a full course-load, working part-time and also involved in multiple other projects. My second novel took considerably longer and the many short stories I’ve written as well as the many hundreds of thousands of words of role-playing words since then.  I’ve written (and produced) over a dozen plays, all of which were well-received, with regular requests for my input on others…

But my father’s condescending “You should just give up on this writing thing,” almost destroyed me.  An utterly crushing blow that left me quite literally at the brink of just deleting everything I’d ever written, burning every piece of art I’d ever created… it amplified my ever-present insecurity and it took years for me to shake it.  I don’t think I really shook the worst of that until my wife gave birth to my son.  There was something so perfect, so fragile, so… amazing.  Something I had a hand in creating.  Having a child of my own gave me impetus to create funny and beautiful things for him to look at and play with and since I’ve written more, painted more and dreamed more than ever before.

Still the nagging doubts whisper in my ear, the mad cackle of doubt mocking me from behind the hand over its mouth.  Taunting my every word, every stroke of my brush. I drown it out as best I can… until my son looks at something I’m working on and in his tiny voice says, “Great job Daddy!”

Then doubt is silent.

Tell me, dear readers… what silences your doubts?

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Silence is golem…

I’ve been quiet a while and while I assume that not many people read what I have to say, well… this is my blog and I need an outlet for the random buzzing in my skull.

 

My criminal justice class was passed with flying colors.  104 average at the end of the semester, if you must know.  Yes, yes, that doesn’t make sense.  I am 4 points above perfect.  Thank you extra credit.

Advanced spreadsheets is also going well.  Someone asked me what I was doing in there (given that my prof speaks so highly of me), but believe it or not I am actually learning things I didn’t know.  I’ve had this professor before and he actually was my director for a little while, which might bias his opinion of me just a little.  I am pretty awesome and kinda smart.  My siblings make me look like a babbling idiot.  That should terrify you.

 

In either case, I have some fragments of stories buzzing in between my ears.

~~~

Menal image one: two figure far off in the distance on the beach. [bodyguard]

Mental image two: a item of terrible power [pandora’s box] opened by an obsessed man who knows what terrible things lay within but unable to resist the temptation.

~~~

I’mm post some excerpts when I have the mental strength to actually write.

…random thoughts.

Has it really almost been a month since I’ve posted anything here?  Well, that’s life for you, hmmm?

So, what’s happened in the last month?

I started school again.  Introduction to Criminal Justice and Advanced Spreadsheets (Excel).  It’s interesting to see the ‘maturity’ level between introductory classes and advanced classes.

I turned a year older.  Not much to report there other than my family got together and everyone behaved.  It was a nice day.  Been a while since I’ve been able to say that.

9/11’s 11th anniversary was yesterday.  Is it wrong to still be angry?  Not just at what happened then, but at everything that has happened since?  Our country briefly took a turn for the better (unity) then just spiraled out of control.  We’re more divided now than we were before 9/11 and the world certainly doesn’t have a more charitable view of us now than they did before.  Personally, I’d just stop all foreign aid and try and fix the problems HERE first.  I’m more or less in the center of the left/right spectrum (leaning slightly more to the right if I’d be truly honest) but politicians on both sides have proved over and over again that they are far more interested in their own agendas than the will of the governed.  We’re quickly headed in Greece’s direction, except we don’t have a conglomeration of countries willing to help us.  If the US goes into utter disarray I have a hard time believing that any country would come to our aid.

I don’t have much else to say right now, but I needed to write something down.  I’ll pop some art up in a few days.

Writing fragment.

Here’s something that popped into my mind just now…

Nathaniel stood there gasping for air, his right arm hanging at a strange angle, his left oozing blood down the length of his sword.  “You stand alone,” Rama taunted him.  The Dragon King stood tall and proud facing him, his sword gleaming with Nathaniel’s blood.  “Drop your weapon and I will grant you, your whore and my traitorous daughter a swift death.”  Nathaniel could see that Sora, bound, gagged and injured, was still crumpled where the guards had thrown her.  She hadn’t moved through the entirety of the duel between him and his father.  Annalise was still chained to the wall, her green eyes blazing with rage.  Nathaniel knew that together he and Annalise could best their best their father easily, but his father had the upper hand and the sword Nathaniel had forged in the blazing fires of the dwarven forges.  It glittered with opalescent malevolence, hand-sharpened by Beronas, the Dragon’s Wrath had cut through everything Nathaniel had thrown at it and now, would be the blade that executed him.

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Fall Madness…

The Fall semester is coming!  The Fall semester is coming!  Is it strange that I feel like Paul Revere when I tell my staff that?  It’s like the Bogeyman and Armageddon all rolled into one, when it comes to our department.  For clarification’s sake, I work in a call-centre(y) environment.  Our area is kind of different in that we don’t specialize in any one specific thing.  We have staff from Directory Assistance, Registration Assistance and Technical Support; but the overwhelming bulk of our calls is for Directory Assistance.  As the Fall semester approaches the calls and redirected calls from our Financial Aid department can hit in the hundreds per hour.  Add to that all of our normal call volume being at its peak and we’re looking at over 2,000 calls per hour handled by a staff of 5-6 people (at a time).  To say that things get crazy around here would be a mild understatement.

I don’t answer my personal cell phone much between now and late September.

The other side-effect of the high levels of stress during the next two months has been an utter lack of creativity.  I feel so brain-dead that I cannot focus on anything, most of the time… this year though, I’m going to do something about it!  I’m digging out my sci-fi/fantasy outline and plan on tinkering with that over the next few months since the classes I ended up with this year should be easier than last.  Criminal Justice (the instructor is a crazy/awesome person!) and Advanced Spreadsheets (another great instructor).  Unfortunately I missed out on my Computer Forensics class (bad time) and they aren’t even offering Operating System Security this year.  It’s very frustrating to have a single year from my AAS and certifications extended by even a semester because a lack of class availability.

I have other things I could mention here, but won’t… not yet.  I’m pretty sure its for sure, but I won’t have confirmation until later this month.

Now, where is that cup of coffee?  I’m back on the 6am-3pm shift and my brain hurts from the lack of sleep…

Buccaneer Blog Fest Fail!

Well, day after tomorrow is the last day of BBF and it pains me to say that I have utterly failed it.  I started off well enough, but as work and life and sheer overwhelmededness (is now a word) piled up on me… I looked at the list today and realized that I had fallen utterly behind!  I’m supposed to give something away today and discuss my experiences tomorrow… in addition to getting caught up with critiques that I still owe people.  How did this happen?

One procrastination at a time, sadly.  As much as I have on my plate right now, it is little compared to what the next four months of school (though thankfully all of my Cisco Networking classes are over and done with!) will heap on my lap.  Working as I do in a call-centery environment, my workload depends entirely on what is happening at any particular time and it is too easy to take a mental break between calls instead of actually working on something productive.

Fear is not the mind-killer… procrastination is.  Slowly I am dying.

Maybe I’ll do something about it tomorrow…